Even if you’re in a flood of sadness, or in the flames of hatred
Swear upon a love as dazzling as lightning
You’re not alone, even if you’re by yourself, you know?
We’re connected by Moonlight
Sooo this entry has been writing itself in my head since I published the last post, mostly as it was something I started going into while writing the drafts so I figured combined with some of the chats I’ve had regarding both it and my last blog I’d make a go of the topic – Friends and Companions.
My friends are my family to me, mostly because my relatives by blood don’t share in my particular brand of crazy. Seemingly it’s been a unique trait only discovered in people I let get close to me.
Four years ago I wrote “Issue #2: When the Planets Align” which detailed the profiles of my real world friends and the Sailor Scout I associate with them, and while Neptune and Uranus have changed (more on then in a bit) I’ve also added a couple of characters to my list annnd moreover, the way I view the different parts of my personality have taken on a character form.
Let me try to explain; As I said in the last entry, I envision my mind as a separate layer over the top of reality, visible only to my eyes because the whole “mind over matter” concept. Through this view of my world, note my world – so as unhinged as you may think I am, I know it not to be real for everyone else, but it’s real enough to be of benefit to me, I can give a problem, personality or emotion form and then deal with it accordingly. Sometimes it’s literally a case of picturing myself having a tea party with a particular personality trait to see why it’s firing off a certain emotion for what I consciously see as unexplained (ever had those moments where you’re inexplicably mad / sad / stressed? Yeah well it’s those moments I’m trying to get an explanation for) and other times I go to war with myself or I’m summoning all my inner selves to go to war with an invading thought, emotion or problem. Those are the times I’m quick to move from angry to beserk or go from confused to suicidal.
So the reason I bring this all up is I was discussing why my White Knight broke up with his previous partners as well as what he’s wanting from this developing bond between him and I, his answer didn’t surprise me thinking about it now, but it shocked me to hear someone else feeling the way I do; he doesn’t want to keep having the same relationship he’s always known. Simply put, the heteronormative idea of monogamy didn’t work for him long term. Now I’ve had this thought myself particularly as I grew emotionally distant from my ex-fiancé, and while chatting with the White Knight, I reignited the thought of searching for a companion, not a partner. Someone who treated me as their equal, who I could share intimacy and friendship with but I didn’t have to always go home to. You may think I’m describing an open relationship but they still have a monogamist bond – they are in love with each other etc, and it’s not polygamy because that requires adhering to unspoken rules of a relationship.
No, I’m talking about being that person who follows alongside you for part of the quest but can be sent off to follow their own while you travel alone or with someone else. Someone to walk that tightrope between friend and boy/girlfriend. It’s not something I’ve done before but while I’m in the “what the fuck do I want from Eros and Aphrodite” stage of life, it’s something that will appease my need for romantic intimacy, sex, and personal space, the challenge for both me and whomever agrees to enter with me is to work out aligning those needs, enough for not degrade to a regular fuck buddy (no romance or friendship), friends with benefits (no romance), boyfriend (too many strings) or NSA (not enough strings).
To balance this idea out, I thought I’d look at those who are in reserve to help me on my travels back to Tartarus; the Sailor Scouts, the Phantom Thieves and my other selves. Now rather than run through all the Sailor Scouts again, I’m going to discuss the two replacements:
Sailor Uranus – “Guarded by Uranus, planet of the skies. I’m the soldier of flight, Sailor Uranus!“
The current Sailor Uranus got the title for a multitude of reasons, but mostly she got it because a lot of her emotive remarks don’t carry the emotion but her opinion (which many of the other Senshi disagree with me on) yet it amazes me that they do because it is awesome! This Haruka is literally able to tell you how she’s feeling without having to put the effort in conveying that emotion as well, whereas I’m the complete opposite, my emotions just ripple off me before I even open my mouth to speak.
She is however super caring, super loving and rivals Sailor Venus as my Senshi with the deepest love for her friends. Haruka’s general knowledge, fandom knowledge and fanfiction knowledge is the best in the group and I do love that for all bullshit the group spins, she can deliver a summary of it in a way that you’d be safe to think it was all truths.
Sailor Neptune – “Guarded by Neptune, planet of the deep blue sea. I’m the soldier of affinity, Sailor Neptune!“
The update Sailor Neptune is a Scottish lass that I worked with in the job prior to my current one, and while she freely admits wasting the money on her graphic design degree she is still has the talent for it. When we got given tablets to start working on instead of laptops, I saw her wicked doodles that were done during budget meetings, team catch ups or those moments when shit just wasn’t going our way.
She’s another person who I developed a sibling like friendship with. We could argue like siblings, and over the littlest thing. My favourite past time in the office was winding her up with minimal effort; even now that we don’t work together anymore, winding her up takes a couple sentences and that’s it, she delivers the sea’s rage in a rant, a “that’s jammie” or a “oh fuck off!” Still, I hope she knows I always have her back, particularly when she gets unfairly treated by my ex-employer.
The newer crew are actually more the next circle / tier of friends. I don’t hold them in any real less regard, but they are people I’ve only recently come to have the same level of trust and respect for as the Sailor Senshi; I’ve been tossing up who they appear as on my Astral Plane and the best fit so far has been The Phantom Thieves from Persona 5. In fact our group chat started with us each being designated one of the Confidants Tarot representation, so I’m going to use them for this (currently) little list:
The Moon – Yuuki Mishima
Mishima was given the title “The Chariot” in the group chat as at the time he was the only one who drove, but really he’s more like Mishima. He’s always willing to help a friend in need (like him helping me move back to my parents earlier this year) and needs little justification as to why he should help.
He’s resourceful, something that’s underratedly (not a word, I know, shut up) appreciated by the group and something Mishima seems to take a great deal of pride in. He does make some very bad, dad jokes / pun jokes / jokes, but that doesn’t stop him from trying and even though he may not always get the timing right to announce the catastrophes happening in his life, his frank but sunny disposition to life makes him a good friend to have indeed.
The Empress – Haru Okumura (aka Noir)
Haru is very recent, sooo not much can be said for her other than the times she has been with the larger group she has fit right in. True to Noir in the games, my Haru is eccentric in both looks and personality and yet standing with us, she blends riiiiight in.
A bit of an enigma still as she tries to sort out the mess of what her path with Eros and Aphrodite is, I think once she’s started her travels outside of the grey mist she’s cloaked in currently her Astral-self will change in my mind. For now though she’s bubbly, she only refers to me as Satan and loves the extraness of everyone in the gang. Oh and if you read this Haru …. you’re welcome for being subconsciously pressured into downloading Pokemon Go.
Noooow onto the fun part; the different faces of CardcaptorSatan…. I’m not going through all of them as the landscape of my Astral Plane shifts constantly, but I will go through the 5 main ones that I know I see / feel regularly;
Emma Frost – she is my default self, she is everything I like to portray to the world, she is my fascination with psychic and clairvoyant abilities, with self-confidence that borders being an out-right bitch, the feeling of being everything within the comforts of my own skin (still working on that) and the source of my scintillating wit.
Scarlet Witch – usually I see myself in the guise of Scarlet Witch when I’ve overwhelmed by emotion, I don’t know what I’m truly thinking or feeling (in fact I wrote this blog and the last one in the guise of Wanda); she’s also the version of me that I fall into when I’m practicing my mysticism or waging war against Fate (because why tempt it when you can go for a full on assault?)
Sailor Pluto – the self I see in a calm or ’emotionally vacant’ state, actually the self that I am when I’m around friends. But also the self that I go to when I need to search my memories, when there’s that event or that moment I can hazily remember and want to rewatch. She’s almost my sagely self, though usually I’m also drawing on my Scarlet Witch self for that too.
The Mad Hatter / Legion – both of these characters are my sense of logic and irrationality, the understanding that I know all of this seems mad to the rest of the world, but that it makes complete sense to me. Both the Mad Hatter and Legion have the greatest words of wisdom, useless amongst a paragraph of utter madness. They are my paradoxes, my indecisiveness and my europhia. When I laugh for seemingly no reason, it’s just something maddening they’ve shown me.
Hades – my malice, my rage, my villainy, me at my worst. My self portrayal of Hades flicks between the Disney version, the Saint Seiya version, the depiction from Rick Riordan’s Percy Jackson graphic novels and the depiction of artist’s using Greek myths for their inspiration. If I see myself from my Hades persona’s view, I tend to either keep myself in seclusion or I’m in the middle of an argument in real-time. I don’t go into “war” with a strategy or strength, I go in with the poisons of Tartarus and I aim to win however I need.
You’ll notice I don’t have a persona for my love or for my happiness, and that’s because there isn’t one. When I am truly happy, there is no persona and there shouldn’t be, if I see a character or feel I am a character portraying happiness, then it’s not true happiness, it’s me placating someone. As for love, well it falls into the same boat really, in fact being truly in love with someone would cause the others to vanish really, because that person would be need to be able to love all of me complete, not parts of my personality, my White Knight may not want to know this, but when I’m with him, only Sailor Pluto remains, watching vigilantly waiting to turn back the clock to bring the others fourth the shield me from pain and that’s scary and exciting, because no one else has done that for me. So I’m going to gamble, I wanna see where the whims of Fate lead me by taking the chance with him. Let’s see what a companionship is like and let’s see if it develops into something that makes me crazy or something that fulfills my needs or something that keeps my heart safe while the perfect match reveals himself? Life is a gamble afterall, everyday, and for so long I’ve chosen to be risk-adverse because I don’t like feeling hurt, heartbreak and loneliness.
Lastly, Mercury made a comment to me that my friends are Pokemon partners ready to help me in battle, in life or whenever I need them and that’s somewhat true. I don’t see my friends as Pokemon, that would make me master and them subordinates which is soooo not true, but I understand the sentiment. I may walk this adventure on my own physically, but there are many, many times where someone is beside me in someway to keep me company….