Thinking of you, wherever you are.
We pray for our sorrows to end, and hope that our hearts will blend.
Now I will step forward to realize this wish.
And who knows:
starting a new journey may not be so hard,
or maybe it has already begun.
There are many worlds, but they share the same sky —
one sky, one destiny.
I think the quote from the start of the PlayStation 2 game “Kingdom Hearts 2” is quite fitting for this letter to you. It’s a shame you never go to play the Kingdom Hearts franchise, I think you would have enjoyed it as thoroughly as I have. Sorry I haven’t written sooner, but to be fair, I don’t quite know where in the cosmos you ended up as a 10 year old. I know you were nearby as I worked through my grief immediately after your untimely demise and you often acted as my sounding board since there was no-one else truly around. I figured I would write to you on the digital forum since it’s something you never got to do for yourself.
I can’t say I was never mad at you for leaving me here alone, since that would be lying fully. I was so angry for months after you fell through that skylight, the sheer stupidity of your own actions forced you to move on and I know if you’d agreed to let me come hang out that you would never have done. I was your logical voice of reason, I was also a lot taller than you and wouldn’t have needed to leave the safety of the tree to reach the ball on the roof. Don’t worry I forgive you now, but I also thought since I haven’t seen you in my peripheral vision in a number of years that it was time to reach out and hopefully you’ll drop another handful of wisdom tokens for me to redeem.
Well anyway, after that last conversation we had, not that I actually remember what that was, I think I went off down the path that lead me to be the Satan people know and love today. Were you watching this progressive change on my path through the Door to Darkness? Are you within the realm of Light trying to open a way through from the other-side? Man, do you remember how much happier I was when we were in Primary School together? Setting up our own little work space with our Lego and Pokemon figures, pretending to be Pokemon with our other friends during morning tea and lunch, and then using our Pokemon figures to escape to the World of Pokemon on weekends, riding our bikes around the school, climbing trees, watching cartoons, playing PlayStation One; hell, just running around outside. I think that part of me truly died with you. I know I’ve never been that carefree and happy since. Anger, is my default emotion that’s for sure… and so many people have seen it.
I wish you were still here, I’d love to introduce you to my Sailor Scouts, actually I think you would have been one. Probably either Tuxedo Mask since he’s the only actual boy or Chibi Moon since you were so short haha. In fact many of the scouts would have enjoyed your class-clown personality, actually Sailor Saturn vaguely remembers you from primary, do you remember her? Her mum made all the outfits for our school play. I can’t remember which part you were in, I do remember screwing up my lines one night and being so embarrassed that I didn’t go on stage the next night. Actually what it was is that I thought the under-study got to have a turn too so I assume it was one night for me and one night for him, I was wrong. And I know I got told off for it by one of the teachers.
I also wish you had come to visit me before I made some of the stupider mistakes I’ve made in my life so far. So much regret already and I’m not even 30 yet. I regret using the money from my grandparents to show off to boys to make them like me; I regret my past relationships, not one of the those boys was right for me and I was just so pig-headed I couldn’t see it. I often wonder if I was looking for someone with your qualities to replace the void you left me. And I know it’s still there, I watched The Bridge to Terabithia and the first time, I cried so much, in fact I cried like I did at your funeral and watching it again this evening, I still cry a lot. I mean a lot. It’s just a reminder of the day you died – and how the message was delivered to me. Do you remember it, or were you still traversing the path to the Final World?
I still remember the day of your death rather well considering it happened nearly 20 years ago now; I called you that morning to see if I could come round and play, you checked with your mum as you had your cousins over and while you were keen, she said no that it would be a family day but I could come over tomorrow possibly. I went out with my Mum instead and it was while we were out that you died. Your step-dad and come round while we were out to tell us, he left a note in the door for my Mum to ring when we go home. I went up to my room to watch TV I can’t be sure but I think I was watching the Black Beauty movie on TV2, I was already getting worked up by the emotions in that (clearly a sign, or maybe just coincidence), Mum came up to my room, I didn’t notice at the time but her eyes were red, she was already crying, she told me to turn off the TV and very calmly explained that I wouldn’t be going over to your house tomorrow. That you had been playing in the park just three doors down from the house and that the ball you guys had been playing with got stuck on the roof of the water treatment building, that you’d climbed up the trees to get it, and leaned on a skylight in the roof to grab the ball. The skylight gave way, even under your scrawny body and you fell, roughly 10 metres I’m told, you hit the concrete floor inside the building. Paramedics were called, as were police and I think the fire-brigade. They didn’t get into the building in time and you were pronounced dead that the scene. It was a lot of a 10 year old to handle, I know that I cried but unsure if it was from the movie or from the news of your death. I also know that I suffered from shock for some time too.
I remember attending your funeral out at a church out south somewhere. There were kids from our Intermediate school in attendance, some who at the time, I thought didn’t know you at all and so had no right to be there, but I found towards the end of highschool that they did actually know you as they were in your same class. It’s your funeral that I think the emotional shock took its full form, and death became “normal” to me. I stopped feeling sad when people said someone they cared for had died, instead I felt nothing. I felt no pity or sorrow, just numbness. Perhaps it’s your journey into the Underworld that got me so fascinated with ruling it? But I think you should be proud knowing that yours was the last funeral I shed a tear for.
There are two things that bring you to my mind really easily, the first is the movie “The Bridge to Terabithia” as it almost follows what I went through when you died emotion by emotion, and the second is the song “Sanctuary” from the video game “Kingdom Hearts 2” mostly as it actual makes me calm, and relaxed as though floating in water, it evokes a sense of childhood freedom in me which I guess I haven’t truly felt since you were here with us.
I hope you are in a peaceful place now and not being forced to fight hordes of Heartless, Nobodies or Unversed in the realm of Light. You may not have ever learnt of the game, but you must certainly are a keyblade master in my mind.
Missing you always,